Colin MacGregor

Colin sat huddled on the deck of the pool in Orpheus' gymnasium, his back against the wall, and his form shielded from the view of most of the gym by a stack of kickboards. The sounds of metal weights clanking and workout partners joking with or encouraging each other echoed off of the tile floor, but the distractions went ignored, unable to break through the lop of self-accusation running through his head.

His failings consumed him, repeating endlessly. He had barely able to force himself into the water at the Tethys site, even with the lure of two wisps expending energy they would need later on his problems. Foolishly going into the Tethys itself, thinking he needed to see what had happened to them in the hope that somehow it would help him understand his own past. Never mind that the sight of the three drowned crew members had destroyed what little composure he had managed to regain with Max and Sean's aid, rendering him all but useless for the remainder of the mission.

Bravo lad, ye managed tae hold the door open. Ne'er mind tha' ye could nae control yuir own self, and disappeared completely when the o'ers needed ye.

Then, so consumed in his own self-loathing, he'd managed to get himself left behind when the rest pulled off in the van, and had to puppet some poor woman into driving after them so he could catch up. The realization that he had left his host high and dry, with no memory of how she had gotten halfway to Macon, only added to his spiraling depression.

The realization as the crucible had returned to Headquarters that nerves were shot and tempers fraying was hardly something to be pleased about, but at least it had given him a chance to try and help. His protests to Kate had fallen on deaf ears, however. She had been unwilling to even consider the fact that the mission could be postponed, even a day or two, to give the team time to rest and recover a bit. Dismissing his claims as over-exaggerated, no doubt because despite a number of successful missions to his name, she still saw him as little more than a child playing at being a secret agent.

And of course, the mission had gone horribly wrong, and now Kate was mad at them for doing exactly what Colin had told her to expect.

And then the worst of it. Sean had lost his sister, to pigment of all things, and Colin could have prevented it. He had known the woman was a heavy user, and had even commented to Paul that she struck him as familiar for some reason.

But he hadn't looked into it, dismissing her as just one more hapless junkie, and moved on, more concerned with having a good time at the club than looking into what it was about her that called to him.

Until las' nigh'. A' leas' Sean was able tae help her move on, but he should nay ha'e had tae in the firs' place. If I had only done the least bi' o' looking intae who she was, I'd ha'e found the connection, and we could ha'e stopped her buying tha' las' dose.

He stared at the softly rippling surface of the pool, the lights beneath the surface sending beams scintillating out to reflect on the translucent glass block walls that surrounded the area on two sides.

His reflection stared back, its appearance well suited to his current mood. The usual shine behind his sky-blue eyes was muted along with his clothes. Instead of his usual vibrant purple shirt and sharply pressed suit, today he 'wore' a ratty grey t-shirt and jeans that appeared to have come about their ragged seams and overwashed fading the hard way rather than from a mall store specializing in 'distressed retro'.

The muted colors of his clothes served only to underscore the dramatic changes in his own appearance. Colin couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so exhausted, either mentally or physically, and the efforts of the past two days, despite a significant lack of success resulting from those efforts, had tapped his reserves further than ever before.

Not since the first days of his new existence had he so closely resembled the flesh as it had been when body and spirit had parted ways. Rivulets of water trailed down from matted, brown hair that was soaked through, and he could feel each drop as it slid its way down his face to trickle off his nose or chin, only to vanish even as it plipped softly against the white tiles. His normally ruddy skin was pale to the point of translucence, and blue veins stood out in stark relief beneath his ghostly white flesh. His right hand hung oddly, folded almost backwards over the left as he huddled with arms wrapped around his legs – a phantom remnant of the wound inflicted over a year ago as Ako had twisted his arms behind him to prevent escape.

The splash of a bare foot in a nearby puddle of water sent the young man scuttling back behind the wall of foam kickboards towards the corner, but he relaxed a little when he looked up to see Sean's haggard, unshaven face looking down at him. Dressed in a sweatshirt and pants, both screened with the Orpheus logo, the skimmer sat down quietly and dangled his feet in the water, shivering slightly at the cold.

Ripples spread out from Sean's ankles, and both agents watched them rebound off the sides, creating and destroying new patterns in the refracted light.

Eventually, Sean spoke, his voice hoarse. "You didn't know she was my sister. I don't blame you for that. I blame the freak who got her started back home."

"Tha's allrigh'." Colin's own tone was barely above a whisper. "I ha'e enough blame for meself. All the time I was there, knowing she was familiar somehow, and I jus' ne'er paid attention."

Sean shook his head quickly. "You can't think like that, Colin. There's no way you could have known she was my sister, I even said she lived in Florida. It's not like you could expect someone to drive to Atlanta from Tampa every week to go to a club."

Colin sighed. "Bu' if I had looked intae why I though' I knew her…" He trailed off, remembering how he had put just that thought out of his head a few weeks ago to go back to dancing.

"There's nothing to be done about it now anyway." Sean wiped his face with his sleeve. "She's gone now…and I pray to the Heavens that I find the guy responsible. He's not going to be recognizable nor will there be enough left of him to fill a matchbox when I'm through."

Colin looked up then, his features darkening in worry. "Ye cannae le' the though' o' revenge carry ye, lad. Ye only ha'e tae look at me, or a' wha' became o' Regina White, tae understand why."

Returning his gaze to the pool, Colin's voice dropped even more in volume taking on a harsher tone, and Sean leaned towards him to hear. "The dark side o' her revenge took o'er, drove all other thoughts ou'. And tis the same thoughts tha' drive me."

Sean squinted at him for several moments before speaking, "I can understand how being carried away by that feeling can twist someone, but now there's only my dad and I left for my niece, and she's getting to that age where she'll want to know where she comes from."

"She's only five now, and I don't know how hard it is going to rip at my heart when she asks about her mother." He took a deep breath. "Even if it does mean turning down a darker road, I want this guy to pay. Get him arrested, hack into his records and get a charge of pedophilia added, maybe. Let the guys in 'Big Boy' prison take care of him for me."

Colin almost smiled at that before the darkness returned. "Jus' dinnae le' i' consume ye. Often i' feels like I ha'e nay else, anymore."

Looking at him with pain-filled eyes, Sean nodded. "I found a couple of reports about you…about your case. After my gaffe, at the diner, I wanted to know what happened." The wisp shrugged as Colin looked away, uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry, Colin. What happened was deplorable...both to you and how the system handled it. I would like to help, if I can." Sean turned back to the shimmering ripples of the pool and folded his arms across his chest.

"I dinnae know tha' there's anything ye can be doing. Marcus tells me Orpheus is working everything they can, to no joy." Colin sighed, leaning back into the glass wall slightly.

"Won't know until I look." Sean stood and stretched, then tapped his wet toes on the floor making little splashing sounds. "If you feel like doing something a little less depressing," he smiled encouragingly at the boy, "I'm going to be watching mindless movies in the lounge…Tank Girl maybe. And I wouldn't mind some company about now."

Colin managed a weak grin. "Aye…maybe in a bi'. I think I need a li'l longer."

Sean nodded and then let the quiet linger, disturbed now only by the lapping ripples of the pool, as he walked away.

Colin lost track of how long he was sitting there before someone's approach once again drew his attention. This time sneakers instead of bare feet – he could hear the plastic tips of the laces clicking and bouncing along the tiles. He shook his head and looked up, expecting to see Sean come to find him again, but instead it was Liz who stood there, dressed in casual slacks and a white linen shirt.

She was glancing askance at the pool, the surface of which had calmed to almost perfect stillness. She stood nearby in silence a few moments before turning to Colin with a sad smile.

"You know, I used to love the water – used to love to swim." She paused, her eyes on Colin but her gaze looking elsewhere, collecting her thoughts. "My mother and I took a cruise almost every year until I met Nigel. I must have been on ten Windjammers before that last one." She trailed off, and turned back to the young ghost.

“Now I can’t even look at a large body of water without getting a knot in my stomach.” Liz laughed once, a harsh sound, devoid of amusement. “Even when my stomach is technically dead, along with the rest of me, in a cradle downstairs.” The haunter shivered.

Colin nodded slowly. “I know how tha’ is. Jus’ wai’ ‘til ye try and puke.” He grimaced at the memory. “Tis nay pretty.”

“I can imagine”, Liz replied with an unpleasant look of her own. Her expression turned awkward then, and she glanced down at her hands, twisting one around the other.

“I remember asking you, before we left on the Deep Harvest mission, if drowning had been painful. And you told me that it wasn't.”

Colin could tell Liz was holding her breath, and he squeezed his eyes closed, avoiding looking at the ex-FBI agent.

“I know you were lying to me.” The words came out in a rush, and Liz released the breath she’d been holding.

Colin winced before turning a pained expression on her, his eyes filled with sorrow. He wrapped his thin arms around his knees even tighter, causing his wrist to crack slightly.

Liz carried on, pain wrenching through her voice. "It's what you thought I needed to hear, I know, and you were probably right. But going down there, going down to the United...it brought the memories back."

The sleeper paused momentarily, and Colin gazed up at her. He remembered the conversation, though it seemed as if weeks had passed since then, so much had happened. He regretted the lie, but even now he couldn't bring himself to recount the horror of his own experience.

"I recall the storm blowing up suddenly", Liz continued, acknowledging his gaze. "It came out of nowhere, and the waves surged and smashed against our boat. All of the passengers were below decks, but the ship was sinking and breaking apart before we knew what had happened. Suddenly, we were about 20 feet underwater and flooding - we never even had time to get our life jackets on. It was like this huge drain, sucking us down into the blackness."

She choked back a sob. "One minute I'm laughing with my fiancée, the next minute I'm struggling reach the surface." Sniffing, she let out a bitter laugh.

"It's ironic, you know. Nigel was the one who truly believed in ghosts and aliens and stuff like that. I don't think that he would have gone half-insane if I had been the one to die and he the one to live. He would have just believed that he could hire a medium or consult a Ouija board."

"Still, I remember the pressure as my lungs burned, trying to reach the surface. My only thoughts on my own survival, even as Nigel was pulled away from me." She let out a deep breath.

Colin opened his mouth to object, but the protest died stillborn. The other wounds, now visible so clearly to Liz, spoke of the torture he'd endured before finally surrendering to the dark. Instead, his voice barely a whisper, he tried to return the compassion she had offered him. "There's some truth in tha' lass, I cannae deny. Bu' there's also truth in saying tha' I died, and tha's all there is tae i'. Tae go on living when ye've lost someone else...tha' can be the worst tae bear."

"No, Colin", Liz retorted. "That's not all there is to it! The living failed you. Everyone who was supposed to be there for you, failed you. The Police, the FBI, everyone."

Colin shrugged dismissively. "As me gran once said, 'shit happens, then ye die'. Wise woman she was, though I can now add 'then ye wander around and bitch abou' i' for a few years'."

Liz scowled at the ghost's attempts to brush off the seriousness. "It breaks my heart that this happened to you, Colin. And I will not be yet one more of the living who fails you, when I have the means to make things right."

"Let me finish, please", she interrupted. "Yes, you died. You were cut short. It's fucking unfair. But it's adding insult to injury allowing those who betrayed you, your father and your whole family to go unpunished and unpaid."

"And wha' do ye propose I do abou' i'?" Colin was yelling now. "I tried finidng him on me own, and tha' dinnae work ou'. Orpheus is having nay luck a' i', and truth be told, I'd jus' as soon nay gi'e me temper any more ammo a' the moment." He leapt to his feet and began stalking away from the haunter, but she stood up and hurried after him.

Vance reached out a hand and grabbed his shoulder. "Look, I'm sorry if this depresses the hell out of you. Sometimes I don't think. But, I want you to know this. I'm helping you, for what it's worth, whether you like it or not."

She fell silent as Colin responded, his voice harsher than he intended. "Ye and Sean bo', determined tae push me towards...wha'e'er. Ye ha'e tae understand, lass, there's a fair bi' less choice I ge' in the matter o' seeking vengeance." He forced himself to calm down, fighting down the spiteful impulses that threatened to overcome his weakened state.

He let out a sigh. "Ako will pay for wha' he did. Bank on i'. I jus' hope there's summat lef' o' me when tha' happens."

Liz stared at him, and her eyes widened as though she could sense the conflict between his surviving conscience and his baser desires. "I think I understand that better now, even after just these past few days as a projector. The emotions are everything when your life...or afterlife...is spent like this."

Colin nodded slowly as he wrestled his temper fully back under his control and harnessed it. For later. One day, I'll le' i' ou'.

Colin blinked at her, then laughed. "Aye, I expect I do." He flopped his wrist back and forth, the broken bones snapping and cracking as the gauze slapped fully back and forth from the top to the bottom of his forearm.

"Sorry", Colin grinned sheepishly. "Los' so many o'er bad habi's when I los' me body, I had tae come up wi' summat else."

"Well, let's see if I can't do something to help." The ex-FBI agent closed her eyes and faced him, and a pulse of vitality flared between them.

Colin stiffened as the energy flowed through him, taking the edge off of his tapped reserves. The strength revitalized him, gave him the control he needed to fully wrangle his temper - and the depression that had threatened to drag him under - back into control and stuff them back into his hindbrain where they belonged.

Outwardly, the visible skin of his arms and feet blushed as the color returned, and his broken wrist straightened as the blisters and rope burns faded. He stumbled a moment as the relief washed over him but caught himself and smiled at Liz.

Liz nodded her welcome. "Any time. Now, what's say we try and set the serious stuff aside for a while?"

Colin chuckled. "I could do wi' a bi' o' tha'." He paused in thought, remembering what the wisp had told him earlier."I think Sean is in the lounge. He was after going to watch summat wi' the unlikely name o'Tank Girl."

"Sounds perfect. Shall we?" He offered his arm to the sleeper, who accepted with a smile.

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DON'T LOOK BACK

Last Updated: January 5, 2004 by Blake Sorensen

#0770 - Facing Fears

November 16, 2003